Grieving the loss of Liam Payne

8 years ago, I was in dance class when I received the news that Zayn left One Direction. It was, at that time, the most pain I had ever felt in my life. 

Today, I was in my first dance class since that day, when I received the news that Liam Payne tragically died. 

As soon as the news broke, a million thoughts flooded my head.

This is fake. 

Surely this is fake.

God, please let this be fake.

Don’t cry. Not here. You’re 27. Do not cry.

Why are people messaging me that I have not spoken to in 10 years.

God, what is happening.

Don’t Cry. Do not cry.

Fuck. I don’t think this is fake.

It’s. Real.

Liam Payne is dead.

I am devastated in a way I didn’t know was feasible’y, humanely possible. 

Growing up in a world that didn’t make sense to me, in a body that didn’t make sense to me, in a brain that didn’t make sense to me, One Direction were the first people I clung to. I don’t know why. But, from the day I discovered them, they became my safe space in a way that I had never felt safe before.

Because of One Direction, I discovered my first community. I created a blog to share and talk and engage. It was my first ever community. Because of One Direction, I grew brave enough to start my own community in the autism space. If you are reading this now, you are reading it because of One Direction.

Because of One Direction, I started sharing my work (my first ‘published’ work was a fan-fiction that gained multi millions of readers). My confidence in, and love for writing grew, and now I’m the published author of a global best selling book. If you read that book, One Direction started that.

Because of One Direction, I grew confident in myself, in who I was. I auditioned for X-Factor at the age of 16 because I wanted to be just like them. I am now an actor because of the confidence they gave me.

Because of One Direction, I made my first real friends. 

And, I truly, from the bottom of my shattered heart, know that because of One Direction, I am here today. 

The passing of Liam, feels like the ending of what was my life line for literally, half of my life.  It feels like a torn safety blanket… it feels like a full, and final, full stop. Because things will never be the same. Ever again. Because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to listen to the band that has been my lifeline ever again without feeling this all encompassing sense of mourning. And because, fuck, endings are hard. And death is hard. And emotions are so, so much more complex than I have the current ability to comprehend.

I don’t think anything can ever prepare you for the feeling of half of your life, your entire teenage years ripped to shreds.

Two things can be true at once. Liam Payne was a hurt person, who hurt people (And God, I mourn for Maya, who I can’t imagine the fear she is feeling right now. And Bear, who will have to wake to the news of his daddy no longer being here, and Cheryl, who is the one to bare it). 
And, Liam Payne was an instrumental, deeply rooted, integral part of shaping the lives of millions of people.

We can mourn the boy we grew up with, we can mourn the memories that we created and the communities we made and the feelings we felt. 
We can also curse the abuse and the fame and the vultures.
And we can love and pray for and hurt for the people he hurt. 
All can hold space.

Another thing, can also be completely true.
Mourning the loss of a someone you only know through a complicated para-social relationship is complex and confusing and difficult and devastating. It is also valid. It is also real. It is also okay.
Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

I don’t know what this post is. I don’t know if it’s a tribute. I don’t know if it’s an ode. I don’t know if it’s me screaming to the abyss again like I did before I found a silly little video with 5 boys sitting on the steps of the X-Factor House. I don’t know if it’s something I should have just saved and sent to my therapist. 

What I do know, is that if you are crying, cry. 
If you are mourning, mourn.
If you are grieving, grieve.
Let the tears fall. Let the emotions come.

Because they are not any less real, or any less valid, because of the complexity that comes with them.

My ask of you, is if your 14 year old self is grieving, let her grieve, and comfort her.
Put on your favourite One Direction album and scream it at the top of your lungs.
Type in ‘One Direction funny moments’ on Youtube and wear your old merch and have a tour DVD watch party and dance your emotions through your body (or cry them out, or scream them out. Or punch them into a pillow out. It’s all okay.)
Immerse yourself in the community that you fell in love with so deeply. I promise you, there are other people feeling what you are feeling right now. 
Allow yourself to be 14 again.
Love her the way she needed to be loved.