THE TRUTH ABOUT GROWING UP....

Hi, hello, how are you? So, guess what?  I’m 21!Two small numbers that make up a pretty big one in the scheme of things. I mean, 21 is the age that you’re a ‘legal adult’ in every country. You’re older than any of the protagonists in any of the teen films, you’re out of school and you’re definitely not a kid anymore and it’s different, and different means scary. Right?Maybe not.Because well, I’m 21. And guess what? I'm smiling. And I'm happy... And... drum roll please:It’s not even faked.I’m actually genuinely, properly, honest to Jesus in heaven above happy about being 21, because I’m beginning to realise something that I probably should have realised a long time ago… But better late than never, eh?I know. I know that sounds like a really odd thing to say (I'm a peculiar person, we've realised that by now, surely.) But I used to spend every single birthday sobbing my heart, and this is the first year that I haven't.I’ve always been emotional when it comes to birthdays. It’s always been something that has caused monarch butterflies to have a rave party in my heart, that’s caused the Melbourne Cup to start up in my tummy… Quite frankly, it’s always been something that has always scared me, terrified me, worried me endlessly.And I know to a lot of you who are watching this, that probably sounds beyond ridiculous.. But I also know that to a lot of you that are watching this, and it may be exactly what you feel, too.I did a similar blog post around this time last year, speaking about the ‘big g’ word, and why it scared me so much. I spoke about how terrified I was about it, about how since I was five I would climb into my parent’s bed every single year without fail and sob my heart out to them, (and force them to leave the window open, just in case Peter Pan came for me.Side note: He never did).Growing up has always scared me for a number of reasons… The idea of a change, the idea of having to leave things behind, the idea of being ‘unable’ to do what I still love, the idea of expectations that I can’t meet…. But it’s not just growing up in itself that scared me, it’s always been anything that’s monumental. That’s big. That’s certain. That’s a definite change of something that can never be returned, or changed, or brought back.I cried when I turned 13, because I was officially ‘not a child’ anymore.I cried when I saw other girls in my class at school developing boobs, and bums, and curves, because it meant my body would change too (just kidding, I still look like a 12 year old boy).I cry every Easter and Christmas because it’s something that has so much hype over it for so long, and within one, single day, it’s all gone, all finished, all over.I was terrified because ‘monumental changes’ have always scared me. Because change has always scared me. And birthdays just seem to be the most obvious thing to grow scared and upset over, because birthdays seem to be the main ‘certainty’.Or in my way of looking at it, another big ‘no thank-you’.This time last year as a nearly 20-year-old, the thought of being not-a-teenager was another big, huge, ginormous, red-flagged ‘no-thank-you’ situation.I still had that stubborn, ever present thought in my head that I most certainly did not want to grow up, that if I could take that magic injection that I had conjured up in my head so many years ago, then I would be happy.(Remembering that I absolutely despise needles with every ounce of my being.But the thought of that still seemed more appealing than the horrifying idea of growing up.)Even as of recent, the idea of my twenty-first sent shivers down my spine, sent my heart into a frenzy. I would politely decline the idea of birthday parties and change the subject when the subject of ‘oh, big birthday coming up!’ was brought up. However, recently I found a journal entry written from July 22^nd, 2017. A day before my twentieth birthday.you‘Dear Diary,I’m so proud of myself and what I’m starting to do. I can’t believe that I went into the city for the first time by myself to see Little Mix! And I did something really, really big and exciting that I never thought I would be able to do by myself!'The really big, really exciting thing?I caught an UBER to Big W. I remember how proud of myself I was on this day. I got into that UBER with the biggest smile on my face, beaming from ear to ear, and walked into that BIG W feeling like a million dollars. I told the UBER driver twice that it was my first time catching an UBER, and I was sure that the look of shock on his face was one of ‘wow, how grown up’.Looking back, it was probably a confused look of ‘really?’.Come to think of it, that weekend was full of things that were big, and new, and different.It was the first weekend I had ever spent without my family, in a city that wasn’t my own (Mind you, it was only 50 minutes away). It was the weekend of the Little Mix concert, and I remember being so excited, and happy and proud that I was there without anybody, that I was meeting people and making friends and doing ‘grown up things’.It was the first time when 'growing up' wasn't a negative word in my vocabulary.And now, I look back at that, and it’s the sort of thing I’m now doing on a day-to-day basis without even thinking of it (Minus the concerts thing. I wish that was an every day thing).It’s crazy; absolutely, unbelievably out of this world insane how much can happen in a year. How much can change in a year.Last year I was overwhelmed with joy at the fact that I caught an UBER by myself, that I caught a train by myself… Now, the things that I’m doing, 19-year-old Chloe would look at and not believe for half a second that it was possible.  You are capable of so, so many amazing things when you open up to the probability of change. When you allow yourself to grow, instead of being scared of it.Because the thing that I’ve started to realise, is that growing up doesn’t have to be taken as ‘I’m losing the ability to live life in the safety of what I’ve always known…’ but instead, we can take it as ‘I’m gaining the ability to go on adventures. To do more, to see more, to be more.’And that’s cool. That’s really, really cool.It’s okay to be scared of the future. Because being scared means you’re about to do something brave, and magnificent, and new. Nobody ever made a difference inside of their comfort zone. Nothing grows inside of your comfort zone.Don’t be scared of change, don’t be scared of the future. Because you have the ability to make it incredible, and you never know what will happen until you step out and accept it.It’s okay, Peter Pan. I think I’m okay here after all.