Christmas with anorexia

 Christmas is without a doubt one of my favourite times of the year. It’s a time focussed on hope, giving, family and happiness...However, for a long time, Christmas has also been one of the most frightening times of the year…For so long, the family gatherings, the Christmas carols, the stupid bon-bon jokes and Christmas presents seemed to be completely thrown away, and the terrors that were associated with it took the front seat.For those of you who don’t know already… My name’s Chloe, I’m 21, and for my entire teenage life, I suffered from anorexia.For those of us who have suffered, or are currently suffering from an eating disorder, Christmas can be less focussed on all of the wonderful, incredible things that it should be, and turn into a time of anxiety, and stress, and panic.I know that in the years where my eating disorders were at their worst, the joy and love that Christmas should bring, only ended up riddling me with pure, utter fear.Structure. The lack of structure.I would prepare obsessively.What am I going to eat today? When am I going to eat it? What if someone brings more food than what I had limited myself to? When am I going to find time to exercise? When am I going to find time to get rid of it? We make lists, and charts, and tables. We plan and routine and make sure everything is down to a precise understanding.And part of what makes Christmas so difficult, is that there’s no structure. There’s little capabilities to organise and prepare… especially when you’re a teenager.Christmas is entirely based on surprise, and freeform… And while many people seem to love the surprise of it all… The surprise presents, surprise food, surprise everything…. It turns out, that the spontaneity of it all, isn’t necessarily exciting for everyone, but can end up with making those of us that are suffering, feeling alone and completely, utterly terrified. Every Christmas, my family go down to my grandparents place to celebrate with my family. It’s a day that I look forward to, because I genuinely adore the Christmas celebration… and usually I’m able to push back the negative thoughts for some time.Usually I can push the thoughts away with distractions, with other thoughts, with things to keep my mind preoccupied… And really, what preoccupies you more than Christmas?I play outside with my cousins, and we unwrap gifts that we give to each other (and pretend to be really, really happy with the third pair of thermal socks we’d gotten), and my family all tell horrendous bon-bon jokes.Times like this, where you’re wrapped up in tradition and family and fun- it’s easy to forget about the one thing that everyone seems to look forward to, but you dread with every ounce of your entire being….The Christmas lunch.It’s hard to understand for anyone who hasn’t been through it, who isn’t going through it currently- but for someone who’s struggling with an eating disorder, Christmas Lunch is the most painful, dreaded time of the entire day. It’s the one tradition that scared the living baby Jesus out of me.I remember this particular time two years ago, we’d just had Christmas lunch, and I was proud of myself because everything had gone to plan. I had helped everyone prepare the food, so I knew what was in it, I knew what to expect… in the whole mess of chaos that surrounds Christmas day, I’d stuck to my own little routine.And then I remember my nanny walking out with a huge smile on her face, carrying out a Christmas cake that she had so painstakingly made for me. She knew that I was picky, and that certain foods worried me… So she made sure that it was vegan, and that it only contained ingredients that I liked, and would eat.I wanted to say no. I told myself that I hadn’t calculated for the Christmas dessert that I hadn’t been aware was coming. I didn’t know what it contained, and I didn’t know what portion I was being given…. I wanted so badly to say no.But I didn’t want to make a fuss… And most importantly, I didn’t want to miss out- it did look absolutely incredible.Something that so many people seem to not realise, is that when we’re suffering from an eating disorder, it’s usually not food that we hate. It’s eating.And that little difference, makes all the difference in the world. So I ate the cake.I know, huh? Big whoop. You ate a Christmas cake, on Christmas day.Incredible. Big deal.Huge deal.That morning, I had given myself a limit inside of my head. I told myself that I would only be eating a set amount of food, a set amount of calories that I had learned to calculate.And then, because of one, tiny change in that stupid rule I had created for myself… My mind turned to a lump of coal. I started crying in the middle of family Christmas lunch, and I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom…  and I made sure every ounce of food that was in my stomach that day was completely gone. I remember crying a lot that Christmas.I cried because I had gone over the rule that nobody had set except for myself.I cried because everything was ruined… The schedules and the sets and the lists I’d made for myself.I cried because my throat stung, and my tummy hurt.I cried because I felt that I had single handedly ruined the one day of the year where my family all get together and celebrate.I cried because I was at one of the lowest points I’d ever been in…. On a day where I should feel the happiest.I cried because I wondered how that little girl that would so carelessly celebrate Christmas, and eat food and laugh with my family… had become the same terrified teenager who was now sat on the dirty floor of her grand-parents guest bathroom.I’ve always said that the darkest times happen for the brightest of reasons… That it’s impossible to grow without a whole lot of dirt.That Christmas was my dirt. It was the soil that showed me how low I had gotten, and how desperately I wanted to grow from it.I’m starting to grow from the soil that I had planted myself in, but those stems are also thin, and fragile, and prone to breakage. I still know that the holiday season that’s filled with Christmas lunches, and Christmas dinners and chocolates and candy canes and advent calendars…. Isn’t necessarily going to be easy. But that doesn’t for a second mean it’s not going to be possible.But I’ve made myself a promise that I’m not going to let calories, and numbers, and counting, and images take over my happiness…And there’s some things that I’m doing, and have been doing, to ensure that doesn’t happen. Now, before I get started, I just want to remind you all that these steps aren’t necessarily right for everyone, and if you’re not as far along in your recovery as I may be, these steps may not necessarily be right for you. If you are already under care, please stick to what your doctor is providing you. I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychologist, I’m just someone who’s been at the very end of a very horrible disease, and who’s still going through it on a daily basis.If you’re struggling, please seek help from your local GP, someone you love and trust- or if speaking in person is too scary and intimidating, there’s helplines and numbers you can call, which I’ve linked in the description below.  SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE YOU LOVE AND WHO SUPPORT YOU A significant part of Christmas is getting together with family and friends- and I know from experience, that the more people that you know not-as-well, often equals out to more stress, more panic, and more negative thoughts…. It sucks, and it’s hard, because you want to be with the people you love, but sometimes those people end up making things more difficult, right?Seeing people that you haven’t seen in a few months (or since the Christmas before) can often lead up to questions you don’t want asked- no matter how well meaning they are. The amount of times that I’d see family members who commented on my weight, on the food portions… Heck, sometimes even just commenting on the recipe used for a certain treat, would send me into overdrive…During meal times where you sit down, and eat together, use this time to sit with the people you love, trust, and know you feel safe with. It’s okay to have a few set people.Use the times where food isn’t the main focus to interact and share with others. DO NOT STARVE YOURSELF IN THE LEAD UP TO CHRISTMAS This is without a doubt one of the most important things I can possibly say, and possibly put out. And I know from experience just how much of a ‘good idea’ this seems to be. But let me tell you… It’s not. God… it’s not.Coming the lead up to Christmas, or birthdays, or any holiday where food seems to be a huge focus, I used to starve myself for days on end beforehand to lead up to the unquestionable amount of food that would be presented on the given day…. And then come said day, I’d end up eating the amount of food that I would normally eat, and then more, and more, and more. I would quite literally eat until I was sick, and crying… and sitting in a mess on my grandparents bathroom floor.Restricting and starving doesn’t equal a healthier, skinnier, prettier body. It equals such an unhealthy relationship with food, that your brain, and body and your internal organs that are keeping you alive will get one taste of the nutrients it needs to do what it currently isn’t, and beg you for more, and more, and more, until it’s able to continue to do what it needs….Keep you alive.TAKE THE ‘FOOD’ EQUATION OUT OF IT I know how scary Christmas can seem because of the amount of food that seems to be associated with it, and I know that when you’re stuck in this mindset it’s so, so easy to forget about all of the other wonderful, beautiful, magical things of this holiday… But I promise you, there are so many. And you do not have to make food the star of the show.Emphasise and focus on the Christmas traditions that aren’t so focussed on food.What does your family like to do together? What are your traditions?Choosing the Christmas tree, decorating the house, watching corny Christmas movies, playing board games, Christmas bon-bons, your great-aunts-stories-from-the-1950’s-that-never-have-an-ending… That’s Christmas. That’s what makes Christmas magical.  TAKE TIME OUT Something that took me a while to realise, is that it’s actually totally, completely, absolutely fine to take time out. I know that there’s so much pressure (even though really, most of the time it’s only given to ourselves by ourselves) to be present continuously.But Christmas can be an extremely overwhelming experience. It’s loud, and it’s often crowded, and there’s so much happening consistently. There’s so much energy, and excitement, and people…. And speaking from the standpoint of someone who’s autistic, and someone who’s also battled an eating disorder- I’m the darn poster model of understanding just how overwhelming it can be.But do you want to know a secret? The truth is, if you need time out… that’s okay. Take a walk, find a quiet room and listen to soothing music, ask your little cousin to show you his mega-cool-new-toy-car. Whatever it is that you need to do for you, do it. And then when you feel good and ready, return to the celebration.Christmas is about joy… And taking away from your own, to try and keep others, is only going to destroy you.Destroy your thoughts, not your body.    And the most important thing, which has taken me a really, really long time to learn.You’re allowed to eat.I know this hard. I know this is just about the most difficult, and quite possibly the stupidest thing that can be said right now.Because God, you’ve been told this by so many people, at so many different times. And none of them will sink in, because you’ve told yourself already time and time again that you can’t.I promise you… I promise you from the bottom of my heart that 100 calories won’t change your life for the better.I promise you, that the decision to avoid themThe decision to stay stuck in this illnessThe decision to not fight backThe decision to continue counting meaningless numbers as if they will somehow measure the weight you are worth…That will alter your life every single time.No amount of Christmas cake, no amount of turning from your family and denying yourself from enjoying a one day holiday will every hurt you as much as disordered eating will. You are loved.You are worthy.You are enough.  Christmas is all about joy, and love, and kindness.And it’s time that we start with us.I promise you… I promise you from the bottom of my heart that the world will keep on spinning.